venting…be aware.
April 30, 2008
Okay so I am totally aware that I am blog frequently, but you know there’s just a lot going through my head and a lot going on right now. AP test in 16 days and SAT2 following it, plus the final exams. Yes, they are written on my agenda one after the other. It’s just frustrating to think about all the things that has to get done before summer. Why is it that there has to be all these obstacles before happiness? I try and study, but I lose my focus so easily then I come to my blog and write and write. I guess through irritations and too many events going on, I’m finding my hobby. I really think blogging helps me feel better because I’m typing everything out. I know I’ll get through it, but the whole process of getting through it is plain hard. Yes, I know life is tough.. I mean we all learned that when our parents fed us disgusting veggies when we were toddlers. Well, now we learned that there’s good part of that bitter taste in veggies since it’s healthy and now that we’re used to it actually tastes pretty good. I need to get used to having things going on all at once because next year is going to get even busier. I wish I was a freshman again, but then I’d have to repeat the same process. Well I feel better now, so I should probably go start studying if I want to do well on my AP exam in only SIXTEEN DAYS.
the abc of growing up.
March 6, 2008
” There, there baby it’s just textbook stuff, it’s in the ABC of growing up.”
-Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap
Growing up seems to be one of the hardest process in life with too many changes, too much homework, addition of responsibilities, and the necessity to find the true identity. If there was a textbook about going through this transforming stage in life, it’d be the New York Times Best Seller. Yet, there seems to be no reference books teaching how to get through development and accomplish the goals in growing up. No matter how many editions of Algebra 2 text books there are, it’s impossible to find a book about individual tips in growing up. Evidently, there are many autobiographies, biographies and articles based on true life stories that relates generally to growing up. However, there isn’t a specific article that predicts my identity and that guides me in finding my identity as a grown up.
Quite frequently, I wish that all the growing up was done through a textbook, just like chemistry or math. Moreover, it seems too painful and emotional to go through changes continuously days after days and years after years. The worst part is the enigma of my own identity. The person that knows me the best, my mom, cannot even write a guideline of how I should find my identity. Being a parent, my mom obviously has expectations, but she cannot take me through the steps of growing up. Why? The reason is because developing is a long journey I have to take by myself despite the breakdowns and slumps. It is not possible to develop my true identity unless I experience life personally and learn from the experiences. Although still in the process of searching for my set identity, I seem to know the basic characteristics of myself. As much as I know myself, I am aware that the facets of my character were and is forming through the experiences, whether it is good or bad. It is also undeniable that I change naturally as a result of events in my life without even realizing the alteration. Now I wonder when my journey will reach its end point and I will stop changing.
Maybe there isn’t an end point because people seem to change no matter how mature or old they are. Probably because life is about accomplishing goals and failures, which alters the people. As a result, being grown up seems to be equivalent as being dead- when one accomplishes their growing up and is remembered for who they were at the end.
for nows.
February 28, 2008
Love right now doesn’t seem to be for me, for now. Crush right now seems to be the closest thing to love I have felt ,for now. Evidently, feelings for somebody right now are like butterflies in my stomach that rush in and fade out. Yet, no permanent roots have taken place in my heart to urges be to rooted it down deep inside my heart and commit to it.
Heart beat rate rises, butterflies rush in my stomach, and I feel attracted to a boy. The next minute, the next hour, the next day, and the next week, the moment I see him the same symptoms recur. Ironically, as the minutes, and days pass, there is no need for me to shake off the nerves off myself when he walks by. Why? It faded again, and the butterflies left my stomach until the next time. The next time, it is another crush and butterflies rush back in. Once again, it fades away. Other times, he finds out through a friend of his hearing from a friend of his and the chain goes on. But what really matters? It is the truth that I had a crush on him, but it is not accurate to say that I like him. Typically, when the “guy” finds out about the secret lover, the girl is supposed to gain interest, I suppose. However, when my crush finds out and everything becomes a big deal, big enough for a relationship to arise, that’s the perfect time for a good-bye.
Tickling little feelings that come and go sometimes tend to drive me crazy, or even obsessed. Yet, when these feelings are revealed and his feelings are equivalent, the feeling runs away and the thrill fades away. Quite frequently I question myself why it vanished into the air when it once made me totally “in love” with the guy. First answer to the query was that I was shy when my feelings were divulged in public, but it wasn’t it. Then, I thought, maybe the guy turned ugly all the sudden that grossed me out and made him unattractive, but nope it wasn’t it. After too many of the same episodes and feelings entering and exiting without a notice, I realized the answer to the opaque query I frequently asked myself.
The answer was simple, yet precise. I wasn’t ready. Crushing on guys was fun and thrilling, hence, I enjoyed being shy and nervous around the guy. Despite the thrill, being together with the guy wasn’t what I was expecting from it. Thrill wasn’t the appropriate sentiment to be in a relationship, but rather the opposite. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Therefore, when a crush brought the chance to root down to create commitment, I chopped it off instantly because I wasn’t ready to commit. Feelings for somebody right now, for me, seems to be a game that starts and ends at its own desire. Thus, it is about the thrill and excitement, but not the commitment, for now.
a film without sound.
February 17, 2008
“Memories playing like a film without sound”- Vitamin C.
Moving to Korea was a big movement. Physically, but more mentally. In a way it seemed like leaving my life behind in Atlanta- friends, school, culture, and everything else that seemed to complete me. Nevertheless, moving was a definite choice and too late to refund this choice. Now, February 17th, I breathe under the same roof as many people in the same apartment. No regrets to the move now, it seems to be a wise choice I made. However, it is inevitable for my life 7months ago to play in my quite often, or maybe everyday.
It seems like my brain is an autopilot that compares everything about other countries to anything in Atlanta. The life I lived in Georgia seems so long ago, yet it has only been 7months. It is odd because I have only lived there for three years, but it seems like Atlanta is my hometown and the loved ones their are MY people. Although living a terrific life here, it can’t compared to Atlanta. The quiet film plays in my head without a sound, but the images commemorate all the words. This is my favorite film, I would name it The Best Three Years of My Life. The memories seemed to be kept secure in a treasure chest deep inside my heart, and it seems addicting for me that I open it frequently with the desire to go back. Memories seem to be the most beautiful thing in the world. No sound, and it is untouchable. Yet, it is forever without a fade and changed; although, the world changes everyday.
Without these memories, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
